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Category: Scotland

Reflections on 2015

I think it’s so weird how time changes everything. Time, hard freaking decision making and pushing yourself to do terrifying things.

A year ago I had just begun a course at Södertörn, a university in Stockholm. It wasn’t really what I wanted, but I needed something to do during spring and I could not bear to work a day longer at my job. What I mostly remember about the spring of 2015 is a whole heap of waiting. I scrolled back in my blog and on Instagram, and it made me remember. I barely slept, I was awake all night, tossing and turning, thinking about everything and wondering where the hell I would end up. I had so much anxiety and I was so stressed about everything.
How could I leave Stockholm? How could I leave my family and every one I loved? Didn’t I have it great in Stockholm? And also: How could I stay when the whole world is waiting? How could I give up on the dreams I had, just because I was happy where I was?
On one hand I tried convincing myself to be happy with what I had, and on the other I was screaming to myself to just do it, just go, just try. To get to know myself, to get to know the world, to have experiences while I am young. All along there wasn’t really an option of not doing it, I knew when I decided in August 2014 to apply, that if I got in, I was going to go.

In December 2014 I sent in my application for uni in Edinburgh, and all I did was wait. As soon as I got a notification on my phone, my heart started racing. If my email sounded, I almost fainted. Then I got an email saying I had been invited to send a portfolio to one of the universities, and when I had sent that off, there were more waiting. When I finally got my offer, I cried both happy and sad tears. It was such a weird mix of conflicting emotions, both in that moment and for the rest of the year.

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When I think about it now, 2015 was such a weird freaking year. I had a great summer, but most of it was so filled with change and hard decisions.

My other half of 2015, from September onward, was also so strange and hard. I moved to Edinburgh and was thrown in to one million new things at the same time. I barely had time to think about anything. I had great times getting to know new people and finding myself in a whole new situation in life. Living in halls, speaking english 100% all day every day, taking my studies seriously, taking care of only myself and having only myself to turn to when darkness came. In the end of October I became ill and was home from uni for about a month, and that was hard. It felt so good to come home in December, to my mom’s new house, where a room was waiting and love was all around me. I worked in an office and took it easy and realised lots of things, that I bring with me in to the new year.

I think about what I wrote for my 22nd birthday in December that I think encapsulates everything about 2015:

There isn’t a single day I don’t question or doubt if I am wasting my youth or throwing my future away.

You should do things that feel good. You have to challenge yourself in order to grow. When I do things, I always try to follow my gut instinct. It’s so easy to say stuff like that, but when it comes down to the actual decision making, things are rarely just black and white. Same goes for living with your decisions, even if I am happy here now also, there is always going to be things pulling me back to Stockholm, making it hard for me to be fully content here.

It’s so strange how I, for the longest time, thought I was done growing, how I was already myself, how my life was made. But I realise it every day now, I have barely even begun.

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Loudons

Today I went to a lovely coffee place with my friend Betül. We had actually planned to go to The Elephant House Café (AKA birthplace of Harry Potter) but the weather was especially unfriendly today so we escaped the snowy rain and wind at the first possible opportunity. We have both been to Elephant House at other times, so it was okay, but apparently they have a lovely hot chocolate there. Oh well, some other day.DSC_1460I had a vegan chocolate cake and chai tea. The server was so happy when she served me the tea. “Good choice” she said as she put the kettle down, and proceeded to look at my cake with a smile and say “Oh, and the vegan cake?” (((: So cute.
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DSC_1446Here is my beautiful company. Betül and I are flatmates this year at the uni accommodation, I am so lucky to have her! She is super inspirational and fun to be around, such a kick-ass girl! She is currently working on her dissertation and finishing off her last year. Meanwhile I am having tv-show marathons and eating popcorn in my jammies. We spoke about photography, uni work and the differences from home (Germany and Sweden) and just had a generally cosy time as the world rained away outside the window.
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I am trying to convince her to start a blog, she is seriously so down to earth and is such a go-getter, but with all her achieving stuff I get that she doesn’t have time to start a blog. Hoping she will for next year though, as she will move back to Germany :( Isn’t it great to find people you just get along with so perfectly?
DSC_1453_2*Windy hair*
This was my first weekend off since I came back after christmas 3 weeks ago. I’ve been doing my student ambassador job and called around to people to answer a survey. It’s been a nice job, but it was nice just chilling today.
As you can see I wore my new fave T-shirt.
DSC_1440_2_flipNow I’m going back to Netflix with pineapple, popcorn and Turkish coffee.

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Graphic Design at Edinburgh Napier University

Jag kom på att jag inte skrivit något varken här eller på Instagram om mina höstplaner. De flesta som läser här känner nog mig privat/ har min Facebook så det kommer nog inte som någon nyhet, men jag tänkte att en liten förklaring kan va på sin plats, inför förändringen som kommer ske här inne (och i mitt liv).

Den 3e September tar jag en väska på 23 kg och flyger till Edinburgh, Skottland. Där börjar jag studera en Bachelor of Design på Edinburgh Napier University, Graphic Design mer specifikt. Jag kommer bo i en svindyr delad lägenhet med eget badrum det första året, ca 15 minuters promenad från skolan.


I realised I had not written anything here or on Instagram on my autumn plans. Most people who read this know me privately/ have me on Facebook so it probably will not come as any news, but I thought a little explanation may be right in its place, about the change here (and my life).

On 3rd September, I will take a bag of 23 kg and fly to Edinburgh, Scotland. I will start studying a Bachelor of Design at Edinburgh Napier University, Graphic Design more specifically. I will stay in an expensive shared flat with my own bathroom in the first year, about 15 minutes walk from the uni.

 

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Jag har haft drömmar och tankar att flytta till UK och plugga under många år och var i Brighton en sväng efter studenten. Sedan jag hälsade på min fina vän Lotta i Edinburgh 2012 har jag drömt lite hemligt om att plugga där. Jag bestämde att skjuta lite på det och jobba, skriva, ta körkort och etablera lite liv och välmående i Sverige efter mina tumultartade och stressiga gymnasieår. Jag flyttade hemifrån och gjort alla de grejerna jag tänkt och vuxit så otroligt mycket på dessa 3 år, varit lycklig, hämtat lugn och styrka att orka igen.


I have had dreams and thoughts about moving to the UK and studying for many years and was in Brighton for a while after graduation. Then I visited my best friend Lotta in Edinburgh in 2012, and I loved it there. I decided to wait a little on that and work, write, take my driver’s license and establish a bit of life and well-being in Sweden after my tumultuous and stressful high school years. I moved away from home and did all the stuff I had thought and I have grown so much in these three years, been happy, collected peace and strength to get out there again.

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Jag är 21, ska bli 22. De flesta kommer nog vara mycket yngre än mig. Men helt ärligt så spelar det verkligen ingen roll, för jag vet att detta är så rätt för mig och allt blev precis som det skulle. Jag vet att hade jag börjat då, vid 18, hade jag slutat redan, gått in i väggen eller bara gett upp. Jag hade inte orkat. Jag behövde min tid att bara få vara och att hitta vad det är jag verkligen vill plugga.
Jag är fortfarande rädd för att börja plugga igen, minnena från min tidigare skolgång spökar, men jag vet att jag är redo nu, att det är detta jag vill. Och visar det sig sedan att det känns fel eller att utbildningen inte lever upp till mina förväntningar så är det inte svårare än att lägga av och göra något annat.

Det finns så mycket grejer att vara skräckslagen inför. Förra sommaren vågade jag knappt ens tänka på det, men blev peptalkad att söka åtminstone och det är ju inte svårare än så. Ett litet steg i taget, översatta betyg, personliga brev, portfolios, intervjuer var ju inte så jäkla farligt när det väl gjordes, men att se på det innan så känns det som en enorm och oöverkomlig process. Nu har jag precis fått första mailet om introveckan och får magknip av nervositet och pepp.

Jag flyttar härifrån. Ska plugga något askul i 4 år. Ska träffa nya människor och få nya vänner. Jag tar drömmen och livet till nästa nivå.

Jävlar, vad grymt det känns att göra saker man är livrädd för.

8225345938_0dc4b421fc_oPic by Hilda 

I’m 21, going to be 22. Most people will probably be much younger than me. But quite honestly, it does not matter really, because I know that this is so right for me and everything is just as it should be. I know that had I started then, at 18, I would have quit already, stressed myself out and dropped out.
I’m still afraid to start studying again, memories from my previous school years haunt me, but I know I’m ready now, this is what I want. And if it turns out that it feels wrong or that the course doesn’t live up to my expectations, it’s not harder than quitting and doing something else. 

There are so much things to be terrified for in life. Last summer I hardly even dared think about this, but was pep-talked in to at least applying, and it’s as simple as that. One small step at a time, translated grades, cover letters, portfolios and interviews were not so hard or scary once it was done, but looking at it before felt like a huge and impossible mountain to climb.

I am moving away. I’m going to study something amazing for 4 years. I will meet new people and make new friends. I take the dream and my life to the next level.

Holy shit, how great it feels to do terrifying things.

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