I think it’s so weird how time changes everything. Time, hard freaking decision making and pushing yourself to do terrifying things.
A year ago I had just begun a course at Södertörn, a university in Stockholm. It wasn’t really what I wanted, but I needed something to do during spring and I could not bear to work a day longer at my job. What I mostly remember about the spring of 2015 is a whole heap of waiting. I scrolled back in my blog and on Instagram, and it made me remember. I barely slept, I was awake all night, tossing and turning, thinking about everything and wondering where the hell I would end up. I had so much anxiety and I was so stressed about everything.
How could I leave Stockholm? How could I leave my family and every one I loved? Didn’t I have it great in Stockholm? And also: How could I stay when the whole world is waiting? How could I give up on the dreams I had, just because I was happy where I was?
On one hand I tried convincing myself to be happy with what I had, and on the other I was screaming to myself to just do it, just go, just try. To get to know myself, to get to know the world, to have experiences while I am young. All along there wasn’t really an option of not doing it, I knew when I decided in August 2014 to apply, that if I got in, I was going to go.
In December 2014 I sent in my application for uni in Edinburgh, and all I did was wait. As soon as I got a notification on my phone, my heart started racing. If my email sounded, I almost fainted. Then I got an email saying I had been invited to send a portfolio to one of the universities, and when I had sent that off, there were more waiting. When I finally got my offer, I cried both happy and sad tears. It was such a weird mix of conflicting emotions, both in that moment and for the rest of the year.
When I think about it now, 2015 was such a weird freaking year. I had a great summer, but most of it was so filled with change and hard decisions.
My other half of 2015, from September onward, was also so strange and hard. I moved to Edinburgh and was thrown in to one million new things at the same time. I barely had time to think about anything. I had great times getting to know new people and finding myself in a whole new situation in life. Living in halls, speaking english 100% all day every day, taking my studies seriously, taking care of only myself and having only myself to turn to when darkness came. In the end of October I became ill and was home from uni for about a month, and that was hard. It felt so good to come home in December, to my mom’s new house, where a room was waiting and love was all around me. I worked in an office and took it easy and realised lots of things, that I bring with me in to the new year.
I think about what I wrote for my 22nd birthday in December that I think encapsulates everything about 2015:
There isn’t a single day I don’t question or doubt if I am wasting my youth or throwing my future away.
You should do things that feel good. You have to challenge yourself in order to grow. When I do things, I always try to follow my gut instinct. It’s so easy to say stuff like that, but when it comes down to the actual decision making, things are rarely just black and white. Same goes for living with your decisions, even if I am happy here now also, there is always going to be things pulling me back to Stockholm, making it hard for me to be fully content here.
It’s so strange how I, for the longest time, thought I was done growing, how I was already myself, how my life was made. But I realise it every day now, I have barely even begun.